Mr. Bus Driver

A few years ago I was invited by CB to a Monday Football Game in New Orleans, LA at the Super Dome.  The men of his church had organized the trip. The deal was a no-brainer.  For $60, I got a ticket to the game and round trip ticket on a charter bus.   

The plan was to leave town about 3:00 pm, arrive in New Orleans around 6:00 pm to eat at one of the famous seafood restaurants downtown, then enjoy the Monday night game at 8:00.  I wish I could remember the restaurant ... it was the first time I had ever eaten gator.  Yes, it tasted like chicken.  

The visiting team for the game was the St. Louis Rams.  At the time, a man by the name of Kurt Warner was the quarterback for the Rams.  Later that year he lead the Rams to a Super Bowl victory and he was named the MVP.

We started loading up the charter bus about 3:00 pm.  All the attendees on the bus were men or boys.  As we loaded up on the bus we were curious about our ride.  We were ooing and ahhing over the TV screens about every 4 rows.  We checked out how far back the seats would go, to know if we will be able to sleep on the way back.  We were clicking the arm rest up and down in case not everybody showed up; seeing if we would be able to stretch out over two seats.  We even went to the back to check out the lavatory.  We were impressed with our accommodations for the trip to New Orleans.  Nice bus.

The bus filled up to near capacity about 3:15 pm.  The bus driver closed the door and asked if this was everybody.  He got an affirmative response from someone up front.  CB's pastor was sitting in the seat directly in front of CB and I.  He seemed to think if they were not here by now they were not coming.

The bus driver stepped up to the isle with his microphone.  

Bus Driver (BD): "Guys before we leave I have a few rules to go over.  Rule number one.  This bus is equipped with a laboratory."

Me: I glanced at CB  "Isn't it lavatory?  
CB: "Shhh."

BD: "It is there for your convenience and luxury.  When you go in and take care of your business, most of which I would hope and assume will be from a standing position, you will notice a button about stomach height for most of you on the wall to the right.  It is labeled "Flush".  Listen closely.  Push and hold the button for a count of 2.  1...2...then release it.  It will not flush immediately, it has a delay.  If you repeatedly push the button it could cause a malfunction and the laboratory will become inoperable.  I give you these instructions because I want everyone to understand them.  Does anybody have any questions.  No?  Good.  If the laboratory becomes inoperable, I do not make any stops until we get to our destination. So do not approach me and ask."
Someone from the bus: "Nobody better screw up the bathroom!"

BD:"Rule number two..."
Me: "CB maybe we should have driven ourselves."
CB: "Hang on lets hear him out."

BD:  "...I noticed most of you clicking the arm rests up and down, up and down.  I want to let you know the arm rest cost $200 each.  If you break it; you buy it."
Someone from the bus: click - click  "Just putting it away so I am not tempted anymore." 

BD: "Rule number three..."
CB: "If he has more than three I say we bail."
Me: "He may a rule against us getting off the bus."
BD: "...the temperature of the bus is the way I like it.  With this many people on the bus it will cool down as we get on the road.  From there I will make adjustments.  Do not approach me while I am driving and ask me to adjust it.  I have the climax controls up front with me and will make the adjustments as necessary to keep you comfortable."

Silence on the bus.

Me: I looked at CB with big eyes, a huge smile, but not saying a word with my mouth but with my telepathic mind language: DID HE JUST SAY 'CLIMAX CONTROL'? BECAUSE I AM SURE HE DID BUT NOBODY ELSE SEEMED TO HEAR IT.  I WANT TO LAUGH OUT LOUD SO BAD RIGHT NOW BUT YOUR PASTOR IS SITTING DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF US AND I DON'T KNOW IF HE WOULD THINK IT WAS FUNNY.  BECAUSE DUDE, THAT WAS DANG FUNNY.  HE SAID 'CLIMAX CONTROL'!
CB: is looking at me with big eyes, furiously shaking his head but not saying a word: N-NO NO NO....NO! Then with a stern look using his telepathic mind language: DON'T YOU EVEN MAKE A SOUND OR I WILL KILL YOU RIGHT HERE.

The Pastor turns to CB and I.  "Where do you think we can get one of those 'climax controls'; sounds like a gold mine."


 =)

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The Saints lost to the Rams.