Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Life Lesson #1,323,566

Golf can be dangerous, even sitting in a golf cart.

Being paired in a golf cart with someone you do not know is fairly common in golf.  This particular Saturday was no exception.  OK I had met the man once before and knew him well enough to call him by name, but I knew nothing about him.  

Riding around in a golf cart for four hours you tend to find out about people.  Typically you find out: how good at golf they are, does their vocabulary include words that are longer than four letters, do they smoke, do they drink, where they work, do they like their wife, etc.  This day was no different.  As I was driving the golf cart, I was finding out some things about "Seal".  

First thing I learned about him was his golf game.  He dressed nice; some people say it is more important to look nice than to play well (I beg to differ, just google images of Ian Poulter or John Daly).  His golf game was OK.  He needs to practice his chipping and putting (otherwise known as the short game).  He seemed to have an even temper.  He three putted the first three greens and still managed to keep his cool.  He kept his golf clubs cleaned with a towel after each shot; sign of a neat freak.  He had covers for each and every club; another sign of a neat freak.  He had a sky caddie (electronic device to indicate in yards how far you are away from the hole); control freak.  He did not smoke; neat...you get the idea.  He had not started drinking.  He had a tattoo on his right calf of a bull shark.  He was a big fellow.  He could easily play outside linebacker for a major college football team in the SEC. 

Along about the fourth hole on the course I found out what he did for a living.  Where do you work?  "I am in the Navy.  I am on a Navy Seal team.  I work on and repair some of the seals aquatic equipment."  He started moving his left elbow out like a chicken wing as he was talking.   I assumed he was trying to show me another tattoo.  Feeling a little crowded in the golf cart and trying to help him control his flapping elbow, I asked him another question.  Now that I know you are a Navy Seal are you going to have kill me?  Nonchalantly he said, "Maybe."  :-o  After an awkard pause...I asked him how long he has been in the Navy.  "12 years."  Cool.  Sounds exciting.

He went on to tell me about a You Tube video that shows the boats he works on.  "Go to You Tube and search for the 'SUW45XZ13 naval nocturnal search and destroy aquatic attack maritime bull shark boat' and watch it.  Then you will know what I do."  OK what was the first part of that search again?
We continued our round of golf and get to about the fifteenth hole.  He asked me to stop the golf cart because he needs something out of his golf bag.  Oh gosh - he really is going to kill me.  He returns with an inhaler.  Well I have heard these guys were skilled killers but an inhaler?  This is going to be interesting.  How is going to kill me with that?  He takes a few deep breaths and then takes a hit from the inhaler.  He holds his breath.  I asked him, hey man are you feeling OK?  Do I need to take you back to the clubhouse?  He exhales, "No I will be OK.  I just need some water."

Luckily we were near a water fountain.  Breathing better, and hydrated we moved on to the 15th tee and teed off.  We had to wait for the group in front of us before playing our next shot.  

He takes this opportunity to tell me of all his ailments.  "Yeah I have asthma, bad joints, arthritis, tennis elbow, and bone spurs in my heels.  Just got a cortisone shot in both heels for those.  Not sure it worked though they are hurting me right now."  Yeah I noticed you had started limping a few holes back.  "Due to my bad joints I can't feel my left thigh from my waist to my knee."  Really, so you cannot feel my hand on your thigh right now?  With speed only a trained Navy Seal boat mechanic has, his left hand came down on his numb left thigh - WACK!  He screamed "WHAT THE...!"  As I am now half leaning out of the left side of the golf cart holding the steering wheel with a death grip as proof, I shouted back: SIR I am just kidding! Look my hands are on the wheel!  They are on the wheel SIR!  He looks and sees my hands and agrees that I had not put my hand on his numb thigh.  (How do I know he knew? Hello...I am writing the story.)  Come on I was just kidding man!  Seal looks at me coldly, "That was not funny."    

So we are all clear, and that you all know; you should never, never ever, pull a practical joke on a Navy Seal mechanic that works on a SUW45XZ13 naval nocturnal search and destroy aquatic attack maritime bull shark boat.  Although I did survive, it is just not safe.


bettyl said...

Great story! I will keep an eye out for those pesky Navy Seals.

Kipp said...

Thanks bettyl - just keep your hands off of them and they should leave you alone... ;)

Eva Gallant said...

That was hysterical...a near-death experience for you, but hysterical!

I just dropped by from best posts of the week, and this certainly was a good one!

Kipp said...

Thanks Eva!
I have a way of saying things I shouldn't - to people I shouldn't. It will probably catch up to me one day.