Cusp of history

rockbottom dwellers we are on the cusp of blog history...hold on for this.

We are currently at 49 followers.  49 wonderful followers have made a bold decision to push the "Join this site" button.  Think about it.  It is not an easy decision.  The thought process you all went into before clicking the button.  "What if this blog advertises or writes something that I totally disagree with?"  "What if my friends find out I am following this blog?"  "What if he does not join my site?"  Those are some seriously tough questions.

Clicking the "Join this site" button is more than just clicking the button.  It is deciding to commit to reading the blog everytime a new post arrives at least once in a while.  And like I said once you click "Join this site" your profile button is displayed on the blog publicly for all to see.  It's personal.  And it does not stop there it goes a step or two further.  

As a follower, every time a new post appears it shows up on your blogger dashboard.  If you have a gmail account, each post shows up on your google reader!  Following is a BIG decision.  It is almost like getting a tatoo - you thought it was a good idea at the time.  It was cool, you thought: Hey I like this.  And unfollowing a blog can be just as stressful.  Remember the first time somebody saw your tatoo and laughed and laughed?  You had second thoughts right?  But the process to get untatooed is difficult.  Getting rid of it is way more stressful.  Unfollowing someone's blog is about the same.  It is nearly as impossible.  You just can't bring yourself to do it.  Much like that old ridiculous tulip tatoo; you just can't erase that memory from your life.  So for all of you that decided to click that button and join rockbottom - thank you.  For all of you that have thought about unfollowing and have not yet clicked unfollow - thank you.

And contrary to where you might think this is going I am not all about numbers or having a follower drop off the rockbottom dweller list.  Haven't we all been to the blog of note blogs where the recipient describes how suddenly they have hundreds of followers they cannot possibly respond to individually.  Who wants that?  I mean - right?  Although obviously I have had no such recognition; I think I concur with them.  Who wants all that worry?

I would rather the people that have joined rockbottom be interested in what I have to say.  I really do want the stories I tell to put a smile your face.  Laughter truly is the best medicine.  I want each post, or as many posts as possible, to be quality work...OK seriously, how cool would it be for rockbottom to have 50 followers?  We made it to 49 we can make it to 50 right?  

It is not like we are offering them a new member deal like the cable company does.  If you sign up now as a new cable member we will give you every channel, and an extra DVR for every room for your first year.  And just because we like you, we are going to throw in a 7 foot LED HC TV for free.  You do realize, you the existing customers, foot the bill for these new customers?  You that paid full price for the basic installation, were over charged for the basic service and charged for each extra DVR, on top of having to buy your own plasma HD TV that heats up your living room so much you had to install a ceiling fan?  It is just so wrong.  I promise that will not happen to you here at rockbottom.  The newest member, the 50th follower, will not be treated to one extra perk you first 49 followers have not received here at rockbottom.  Promise.

One more and we hit 50!  One more.  Didn't your grandmother just get a iphone4 last week?   Sign her up.  Again it is not about numbers.  Just one number.  50.  See the difference? :)  

rockbottom history is near.  Stay close y'all, we are on the cusp...

The River Trip

Another Sunday School trip.  Last time it was a beach trip.  This time it was a river house.  We have a couple in our class that is doing alright.  They invited the whole class to join them one Saturday afternoon for a day on the river at the place they had bought for the summer.  The amenities were kayak's, fishing, jet ski's, boat ride, inter-tube riding (us southerners call it "tubing") kiddie pool and slide, swimming and of course my favorite - food.  

We had a great turn out.  There were probably 12-14 couples plus kids.  Since The Beach Trip our SS class has been fruitful and multiplied.  At one point we had 7 expectant couples.  Something was definitely in the Holy water.  I am just saying, it was very nice to have a SS party where our kids were not the only ones in attendance.  More kids with more distractions less attention on any specific child.


My girls were pretty stoked about the party but mostly the chance to fish.  The other things were somewhat foreign to them.  I had warned them the fishing on the river is different than on a pond.  (They may not catch anything)  We had just put the fishing poles down by the pier and had said hello to about three people when I hear the host say, "Come on, Kipp you ride with me."  He was sitting on a running jet ski.  I checked with my wife to make sure she was cool with it...I mean I said "Heck yeah, let's go."  

There was a couple, who I did not recognize, sitting on a second running jet ski.  My host explained the couple was engaged to be married and while she was still in school he was working for the host.  Host (who will now be called Thurston) had invited them to join in on the fun.  Thurston wanted to take them out on the river and show them where they could ride.  I was instructed I was going for the same basic reason, when I got back I would relieve Thurston of jet ski duty and show others where they could ride.  This would ensure more people would be aware of where to ride quicker.

The river house was up a creek/slough about 500 yards from the river.  We had to cruise at idle speed as to make no wake until we reached the river.  Once we hit the river there were three options left, straight and right.  Thurston chose right.  I grabbed the bar on the back of the seat as he throttled down on the jet ski and we planed out within seconds.  

He is yelling over the motor pointing out the landmarks to help me identify how to find my way back.  We made it through a few turns and out to the big river where it appeared most everyone in the area was hanging out.  There were party barges, wake boarders, tubers, other jet skis, joy riders, you name it.  The water was bit rough in the main river so Thurston made a U-turn and opened the throttle to get back to the smother water.  

He was sure to point out the creek/slough that led back to his house.  As we passed it, we took a right (which would have been the straight option when we started out).  This path turned out to be very smooth water but had about 4 hair pin turns involved within a short distance.  As we approached a bridge, there was a big wide spot in the river.  Thurston slowed down to idle speed and hollered to the other couple that had been following our every move, "I am going to let Kipp drive.  If you guys want to switch up and let her drive this is a good spot."


Jet ski's have gotten a lot bigger than when they first came out years ago.  I consider them to be about the size of a small boat.  Thurston starts explaining that although it appears to be big and stable it can tilt about like a canoe.  "We need to be careful about our weight distribution."  He removes the kill switch leash from his wrist, hooks it on the left grip and stands up.  Almost under his breath I hear, "OK this is a lot easier with my wife."  

I did not fully understand this comment until he stood up and I realized there is not much room to exchange positions on a jet ski without having to possibly rub up against the other passenger.  Then he offers some real enlightening advice.  "Just go slow on that side so we can counter balance as we go."  We were both standing with our arms out as if on a high wire yet somewhat leaning over the seat.  How can I describe this next part...guys...most guys...some guys...real...I ...me...I am not comfortable...shaking hands is about the most...we were trying our best not to hold each other nor inadvertently rub against each others...middle parts.  When it became apparent that certain "middle areas" may get too close for comfort Thurston reacts rather suddenly and leans back and says, "Counter balance!"  As I try to counter the balance, I reach over and forward for the handle bar for support.

Somehow as I blindly reached for the handle bar I was successful at grabbing the right side of the handle bar and pulling it toward me.  However at the same time, I was very successful in squeezing the throttle.  My reaction time in releasing the throttle was enhanced by the thrust force of the jet ski which was suddenly no longer under my feet.  I found myself in a picture perfect Nestea plunge pose.  Having seen the movie Inception recently, I would have to say, this is the moment I would have woken up from my dream.  

I was laughing before I hit the water.  There were so many things to laugh about.  First why did we just try that?  Really...the one place on the entire jet ski you grab is the throttle?  Thurston's employee is going to have a story to tell his coworkers Monday about the day he saw his millionaire boss being thrown from his own jet ski.    


I breached the water to hear Thurston saying "I cannot believe that just happened."  
I said, "You were right, it has to be easier with your wife."
I glanced over at employee and his finance' and notice that finance' was in the drivers seat.  Employee says, "Yes it was much easier for us.  She just crawled over then turned..."
Simultaneously Thurston and I interrupt with "We know how she did it!"    


We were fortunate the jet ski had been powered upstream while missing the jungle gym couple.  The river current brought the idling jet ski back toward Thurston and I.  Thurston reached the jet ski first but while he was trying to explain to the jungle gym couple what happened to us, I went ahead and climbed up on the jet ski and into the drivers seat.  Thurston finally crawls on board explaining he will not ever try that again with anybody other than his own wife.  He had no sympathy for my hat as I explained how nearly lost it.

We arrived back at the dock to looks of wonder and bewilderment.  The first question we hear, "What happened to you two?  Wasn't Thurston driving when you guys left?"
  
I heard Thurston inhale and before he could get a word out I went ahead with my response, "We hit a killer wave out (using my hands to display a jet ski jumping a wave) on the main river behind a Contender, as I leaned forward upon our decent, pointing the nose of the jet ski toward the water (pointing my hand down), we went all the way under like you see on TV before popping back up; it was killer dude."
"You fell off didn't you?"
"Yeah."

KJ was standing there laughing at her father.  I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride while I still had dibs on the jet ski.  Thurston was being beckoned to take the boat out for some of the ladies and a few tubers.  KJ was ready to go.  She put on a life jacket.  I put her in front of me and off we went.  

After the no wake zone we stayed out of the way of the weekend warriors.  KJ loves going fast (I suspect her mothers driving).  We started going in circles and jumping our own wake waves.  She was loving it.  We hit one wave that sprayed water all over our faces.  She giggled like a little girl about that.  We zipped around for a few more minutes before heading back to the dock.  I asked her if she thought Squirt would want a ride.  "O-Yeah."


We get back to the dock and I send KJ to find Squirt over by the kiddie pool.  "Tell Momma about the plans and see what she says."  Within a few seconds, Squirt was standing on the dock wearing a life jacket telling her mother "See ya later mom." 


Squirt's experience with vehicles of any kind is limited to a mini-van, a compact truck that would not be able to pull my hat off my head, and her Sea Turtle training wheel bicycle.  Squirt excitedly hops on the jet ski between me and the handle bars.  I instruct her where to hold on to the handlebars as to not hit the throttle ;)  

KJ screams at Squirt.  "Tell Dad to go fast!"  So the next 500 yards all I heard was: "Dad can we go fast?  When are we going to go fast?  Can we go fast yet?"  I told her I would let her know when so she could hold on.


When we reach the river there was a boat that appeared to be out of gas.  The girl in the bikini was tinkering around near the motor.  I think I figured out she was switching out the gas lines on the outboard.  But just in case, we pulled up and asked if they were OK or if they needed any help.  "Naw man, we are good. But thanks for checking on us.  Have a good day."  (That was the man in the boat by the way)
"No problem ya'll too."

"Squirt, now we are going to go fast so hold on."  I opened up the jet ski about half way.  Squirt squealed like she was riding Thunder Mountain at Disney World.  Then she started laughing.  We took a ride around the 4 hair pin turns on the smooth water back up in the creeks at a pretty good clip.  She was loving the speed and the wind her face.  We got to the place of the earlier incident and turned around to head back.  

When we got back to the open space just before the slough and no wake zone, I cut loose on some circles.  I was not going quite as fast with her as with KJ, so the waves were not causing the same splash in the face affect.  I stepped it up just a little and finally got the affect that KJ liked so much.  Well Squirt laughed out loud as well.  I guess the shock of the cold water is exciting.  

We slowed back down and started the long idle speed trek back to the dock.  I was pointing out some things in the yards of the river houses.  We got quiet about 100 yards from the dock.  Squirt turns so I can see her face.  She is grinning from ear.  Then she reduces the smile and raises her eyebrows.  She gives me her cool look.  Looking up at me under her eyebrows with a half smile, "Dad that was waay cooler than the kiddie pool."  I could not help it, I laughed out loud.  "I think you are right Squirt.  This is way cooler."


****
Many thanks to Thurston and his family for inviting us out for the day.  If you aren't taking time to get out with your family or spouse, you are missing out all kinds of fun. 

By the way - I have no idea why some paragraphs have more line spacing than others.

NPT

Dear Neighbors

My name is Kipp.  I am your fellow neighbor.  I have been a victim.
Before you get too alarmed, let me explain the atrocity.

As dry as it has been this summer I have not mown my lawn but twice.  During each of these two lawn care maintenance activities I have found gross evidence of over a half dozen canine poo pile deposits.  Apparently we have a rogue canine owner who refuses to pick up the poo pile after the business has been dropped off in the yard.  OK maybe this is alarming you.  

I want to make it known I do not object if the sample is temporarily stored in my yard until the plastic bag collection device, that you feel confident protects you against the mess but not the warmth, as you scoop up said deposit.  But I strongly object to those that are letting their animals freely roam the neighborhood to deposit their poo pile anywhere they deem appropriate after three to seven nose to the ground circles all the while, you wait for your canine to return home a little lighter on the paw.  

I fear these two are working together.  The non conforming canine owner and the canine poo pile bandit.  I want it known the owner of this canine poo pile bandit is not walking the dog according to city ordinance.  If you see a rogue canine after dark and before dawn without an owner please take a photo of the canine making the deposit.  Beware the photo may be graphic but please understand your assistance may help us crack the case.  Please take caution as to not approach the deposit after it has been left.  These deposits can be very slippery.  We will rely on the image taken for verification.

Let me issue a personal warning.  These poo piles can be hidden just beneath the surface of the lawn.  Once run over with a open discharging 6.0 hp Briggs and Straton self-propelled lawn mower can cause many issues.  Some are, but not limited too: ricocheting back on the pusher of said mower when mower discharge is too close to a tree or porch causing some serious poo rage for the push mower operator; splatter onto next door neighbors parked vehicle passenger side door causing some sophomoric giggles yet quite a mess for said neighbor; or worst yet, not seeing the poo pile deposit but knowing exactly what has happened as soon as your flip flop suddenly slides across the lawn as if he was suddenly ice skating.
 
What action will we take?  We wish to approach the owner politely and ask they follow the city ordinance.  However, if they refuse to walk the dog according to code, we have a safe and environmentally friendly return deposit bag that can be left on their door step or front porch to remind them of their responsibility.


If you have any questions please feel free to contact me.


Yours truly,


Kipp
Neighborhood Pooper Trooper (self appointed)

Land of the free

You like free?  I like free.  Who does not like free?  

We were given some free tickets to attend a local minor league baseball game recently.  Since we enjoy going to these games anyway the benefit of the game being free...I mean like...wooohooo! 

Every Friday night home game the park puts on a free a firework show after the game.  So not only did we have free tickets, not only did we go on free fireworks night but we picked the kids Library night on top of that.  One of the perks of signing up the kids for the library summer reading program is a night at the ballpark that includes a free gift.  This was the second year the girls participated in the summer reading program.  Add up all that free and you get a goo-hood (read that 'good' extended a bit) time.  

When we arrived last year the library staff was directly behind the entrance gate passing out T-shirts.  This year when I picked up my two free adult tickets and presented the certificate for the girls free tickets to get the girls free gift the man at will-call instructed me to go to Customer Service to pick up the kids gifts. 

Upon passing through the gate I did not see the library staff I remembered from last year.  I spotted a stadium staffer and asked him to point me to Customer Service.  Have you ever heard the expression "if it would have been a snake it would have bitten you"?  Customer Service was about three steps from where I was standing.  We got in line to receive the summer reading gift.  Turned out it was the same shirt from last year.  My wife wanted to know if the girls really wanted the same T-shirt.  KJ was quick to respond, "I didn't read those books for nothing.  I want my shirt."  They grow up so fast.

Before the Customer Service Representative (CSR) took the shirt sizes, a gentleman stepped up to the desk looking like he just wanted to ask a quick question.  You know what I mean?  We have all done it.  You see the long line, but just you have a 'yes' 'no' question, you feel your question is so insignificant you should not have to wait in such a long line, but yet you really need to know the answer to your quick question, so you do what we have been trained to do, you skip in line and ask your question.  To signal this, you approach the desk with your finger pointing in the air or pointing left or right and your eyebrows up as high as they will go.  For some reason this body language has worked for generations.  But this inconsiderate punk gentleman did not have a 'yes' 'no' question.  I was duped. 

He says, "Yes that will be fine put me down for it." 
Apparently he and the CSR had had a previous conversation I was unaware of...they continued. 

She looks at him and says, "Would you like to be the Auburn or Alabama player?" 
"Auburn."

(OK for those of you that may be from around here - in my state, when you are born, your parents have to declare your allegiance to one state school or the other.  You are either a follower of the University of Alabama Crimson Tide or you are a University of Auburn Tiger.)

If you have been to a minor league game in the last 10 years you know during the middle of every inning there are games or some form of attention grabbing diversion while the teams switch sides and prepare to bat.  Some times they throw T-shirts or hats or hot dogs to the crowd.  Other diversions are games involving morons on the field doing things that make them look like complete idiots.  Have you ever wondered how people get picked for the various games?  Well let me tell you.  All you have to do is sign up....it's free.

She then asked for his name.  He provided it.  She wrote it down.  She then looks at me and says, "What size T-shirt do your kids need again?" 
I told her Small and Medium. 
"We are out of small."  (good information to know before you ask somebody ... but no harm) 
"Two medium's will be fine." I said.

Then I asked the all important question.  "What do I need to do play one of the games tonight and are there any left to sign up for?" 
"No and you have to be 18 years or older."
"Bless your heart sweetie." (she must have been blind as bat to think I was under 18)
"Just kidding; what's your name?"
Why do people have to be so cold hearted?
"Nice...my name is Kipp"
"And are you good to be the Alabama representative?"
"Absolutely - sunshine."
"Great, be on the third base sideline at the start of the 7th inning."

I did not sign anything.  I did not have to provide any identification.  Best of all it cost me nothing.  I was going to be one of the morons entertain my girls on the baseball field in front of hundreds of people.  Sometimes you just have put yourself out there and see what happens. Right?
My wife: "Kipp what did you just do?"
Me: "Not really sure, but I will be on field during the 7th inning representing Alabama.  AL-LA-BAM-A...ROLL TIDE BABY!"
My wife: "Oh gosh."

***

I will skip to the 7 inning for you...but will say we witnessed a grand slam by our home team. in the 2nd inning, quite the excitement.

After several innings of hearing "When are you going to play the game Dad?"  "Is it the 7th inning Dad?"  "What are you doing again Dad?"  "Kipp what are you playing for?" The 7th inning finally arrived.

I left the stands with strict instructions to wave and acknowledge my girls while on the field.  I was asked to verify I knew where they were sitting.  I left to high fives and good luck wishes. 

I met the staffer on the third base side and he provided me with a Alabama jersey.  "Put this on.  You know what to do?" 
Me: "No."
Staffer:  "Throw as many footballs through the hole in the board as possible in 30 seconds.  Find a seat in this section and I will call you when its go time."
Me:  "OK"

As I sat in the seat off the third base line I started thinking about all kinds of stuff:

•     The number on the jersey was 2.  The most popular player at Alabama to wear number 2 was David Palmer.  When he played the popular expression screamed at the TV when he would return punts and kickoffs for touchdowns was "The deuce is loose."
•     Alabama's first Heisman trophy winner was Mark Ingram he wore 22. 
•     I could flash the Heisman trophy pose when I get out there.
•     Cam Newton won the Heisman trophy last year for Auburn.
•     He wore number 2.
•     That makes 2 in a row for the state of Alabama.
•     Does this mean I am going to make 2 good throws?
•     Does this mean I am going to come in 2nd?
•     How many people are here?
•     What if I miss the whole board?
•     Why am I doing this?

Staffer:  "Kipp!  We're up.  Lets go!"

I trotted on to the field and started realizing hundreds of people may be watching my every move.  Man the lights are bright.  As my name was announced over the Public Address system I finally decided to look up in the stands.  Oh man there are a lot of people out here.  Where is my family?  Did they move?  Maybe theY moved closer to get a better view.  I do not see them.  I should flash the Heisman pose before its too late.  (I flashed the Heisman Trophy pose ...left arm out straight - left leg up as if running - right arm tucked close to body as if carrying a football - add the smile)  Wonder if anybody saw that?  Scanned the crowd again for the girls, still no girls.

The man over the PA explains the rules again.  "Guys you have 30 seconds to throw as many footballs through the hole in the board as possible.  The player with the most points wins.  Go!"

I threw probably 15 Nerf footballs at the hole in the board.  The hole was about the size of a dinner plate.  I hit just about every possible point around the hole but never once did the ball go through.  I was embarrassed.  Shut up...  Time was up and had 0 points.  I turned to see if the Auburn side was indicating any numbers up to the press box.  The PA announcer informs everyone the game is a tie, neither player made any points.  Somewhat relieved to know the other guy had as much difficulty as I did, the PA announcer makes another statement.  "Ladies and Gentlemen in the event of a tie we go back to who won last time and give the prize to the other team.  "Tonight....(people in the stands are starting to scream "Alabama!" "Auburn!"...the winner is...(more screaming)...Alabama!"

I got a little excited.  I started waving my hands up as if to try to get the folks to stand up and cheer.  I think I got a few kids to stand up.  

Staffer:  "Kipp follow me to Customer Service to collect your prize." as he motioned me to follow him.  I looked up again to see if I could spot my girls...nope.

I got to Customer Service about the same time my opponent got there.  The staffer pulls out a prize bag from our local coffee and tea company.  "Here you go, congratulations."  As I turn around with a smile and my prize my opponent says, "Congratulations, good game."

Me: "Hey.  Thanks.  I cannot believe I did not get one ball through the hole."
Him:" Me either it is much more difficult than it looks from the stands."
ME: "I finally just started throwing like a wild man trying to get one through."
Him: "Ha.  Yeah I know what you mean."
Me: "Good game.  See ya."

I get back in the stands and there are my girls sitting right where I left them.
Me:  "I guess I got turned around I did not see you guys."
Wife:  "Well...we had to pee.  We missed the whole thing." 
Me:  "WHAT!"
Wife:  "I know.  I am sorry.  We have been waiting for the 7th inning for like two hours but Squirt couldn't hold it any longer.  What did you win?"
Me:  "So you guys missed the whole thing?"
Wife:  "What did you win?"
Me:  "I only did that to entertain the girls."
Wife:  "How many did you throw through the hole?"
Me:  "You missed the Heisman pose."
Wife:  "How many did you throw through the hole?"
Me:  "I won some coffee and tea."
Wife:  "How many did you throw through the hole?"
Me:  "I got to wear an Alabama jersey and everything."
Wife:  "Kipp! Did you not throw any balls through the hole?"
Me:  "No.  It is much more difficult on the field with all those people watching and no they do not allow any practice and the 30 seconds goes by really really fast."
Wife:  "How did you win?"
Me:  "The players from the visting team were LSU fans and heckling me."

Wife gives me the look.

Me:  "It was Alabama's turn to win the tie breaker."
Wife: "Does not sound like we missed much.....just kidding."
Me:  "Have I told you lately how funny you are?"
Both: HaHa :)

I see my opponent return to his seat about 8 rows down from us.  I tell my wife I will be right back.  "What are you doing?" 
Me: "It was a tie, I should share the prize with him.  I will be right back."

I take a box of tea and a bag of coffee down to my opponent who was completely shocked I was giving him half the prize.  I wished I had thought of it earlier.  I told him "Had I scored a single point you would have seen none of the loot."  He laughed and agreed.  (Then these thoughts hit me while I was sitting beside him...the guy had shown up at Customer Service at the same time I did to claim my prize.  Who does that? Was he trying to get me to split the prize with him at that time?  He had not been sitting in our section prior to the game.  I mean he was hard to miss.  He was a man that stood out in the crowd - bright orange T-shirt and bald head.  He probably followed me to my section...he reminded me of Howard)  I snapped out of my trance when he spoke again.

Auburn dude: "What else was in the prize bag?"
I thought, Oh my gosh Howard has siblings.
Me: "More tea and coffee."
Auburn dude: "Cause I do not drink coffee."
Me: "How about you...(I wanted to soooo bad but I held it back)...re-gift it."
Auburn dude seemed to have sensed my state of staring as if I recognized him and my hesitation before providing the re-gifting idea.  I had to throw him off the scent.
Me: "Are you Howard's brother?"
Auburn dude: "What? No.  I do not have a brother."
Me: "No?  OK.  Well then I just thought since we tied I would share the loot.  Enjoyed the game hope you have good evening."  I stood up and walked off.
Auburn dude:  "You are very kind.  Thank you."  
I returned to my free seat, unharmed, to finish watching the game with the girls.  

The night was a success.  We had some good family fun.  Some of us more than others.  The home team won.  The free firework show was cool.  The kids loved their free T-shirts.  I was excited about my free loot for scoring 0 points in a contest where the object was to score more points than the other person in front of a few hundred people...although none of whom I knew...that ended free of any points scored.  And to top it all off, we got a coupon for a free Hardee's sausage biscuit on the way out of the park.  Is this a great country or what?